HOW TO: Fit into the Danish community.

Photographs: Anatolie Cantir

Text: Natália Šepitková

Anatolie Cantir arrived in Denmark twenty years ago from his native Moldova and made Herning his home. “My drive, curiosity, and 'obsession' with how other people think and live have led me to reflect deeply on Danish culture and society,” he admits. Over the years, he has given more than two hundred talks on Danish culture. He has initiated and been involved in various international organisations and initiatives in Denmark, all to support internationals in their journey here. He has taught intercultural communication at Aarhus University, and he currently works full-time as an associate professor at VIA University College.

Q: What did you have to get used to when you came to live in Denmark?

A: The silence, quietness. I remember every time I had to return to Denmark and take the train from Copenhagen Airport to Herning, I had a headache because it was just like entering a Danish cemetery: beautifully arranged, very organised, everyone keeps to themselves, and you are free to roam on your own.

Q: What are the basic nuances of Danish culture and life that we as internationals need to understand when we decide to settle in Denmark?

A: Of course, everyone's experience can be very different, but here are five nuances to consider. These topics also form my little book, Danish Culture is an 'Extreme'.

Equality is about sameness. Titles, hierarchy, and status matter little – everyone has to show they are fundamentally the same. Expats might feel surprised by the informal tone or the lack of “special treatment,” even for customers or managers.

Trust. Danes have high trust in people and institutions. Trust is the default, but also something you have to maintain constantly. This trust-based culture means less control, more freedom, and often more responsibility. In a trust-based society, there is no clear path to career advancement or any sort of advancement.

Autonomy. Independence is deeply valued in Denmark. Danes raise children to be self-reliant, and adults are expected to show initiative. This means expats may need to get used to doing things independently and not expecting unsolicited help.

Privacy. Personal space is sacred. Danes typically don’t engage in small talk with strangers or knock on neighbours’ doors unannounced. Friendships take time and often form around shared activities or clubs.

Humour. Danish humour is dark, ironic, and often self-deprecating. It can feel brutal to outsiders, but it serves to equalise and connect. If Danes tease you, they might actually like you.

Q: Internationals in Denmark often perceive local people as distant or even rude. They often feel unwelcome among Danes. Do you feel the same way?

A: For the most part, in Denmark, social relations do not take place the same way as in many other places in the world, and from this stem many of the challenges for internationals. Let me give you a simple example. I gave some plants for free, and some strangers came to my garden to dig them out and take them. They came, dug them out, loaded them in their trailers, and left. We didn’t talk much, they didn’t ask much about me or my life, family, etc. They just asked about the plants and left - were they cold? Were they distant? You go to work, it is the same. Your colleagues are always about their work and tasks, not so much about you and your life story - are they cold? Are they distant? The central point here is that it is polite in Denmark to be left in peace and not be disturbed. In fact, being too curious about one’s life can be intruding. It is that simple, but also extremely hard for internationals because they expect that others “see” them.

Q: Each of us expats has some perception of the Danes and has some experience with them. But how do the Danes perceive us?

A: For the most part, I don’t think Danes give it much thought. Expats come into the news as (much-needed) labour, and that’s about it. Since we, expats, live abroad in Denmark, things are more intense for us, and we tend to think meticulously about each interaction and experience, maybe with a confident expectation about the country. But when you’ve lived all your life in the same place, you have your lifetime friends, your job, your traditions, etc., so you cannot really be too observant of many things you take for granted. To give you a simple example: how much thought and consideration we give to the correct pronunciation of Danish, and when we need to use it, while Danes don’t even need to think about it.

Q: How to fit into the Danish community?

A: I go to an amateur boxing club, box with several people, sometimes have dinner and drinks, and visit each other’s homes to party. First of all, at least at the beginning, we talk about the box and all around it. It would be a no-go to talk about our social status or anything that might make us dissimilar. Fitting in the Danish community is about communality, finding things you have in common, and sticking to that, at least to start with.

Q: Do you think it's hard to make Danish friends?

A: Danes don’t use the word ‘friend’ loosely as in many other parts of the world. Being friends with someone is a very special thing. Danes have a few close friends they met at a younger age, and are the only ones allowed to enter the realm of real friends. The rest of the people are a lot of acquaintances, hence the overused word: network.

Socialisation in Denmark can be one of the most mystical experiences. For example, after our son was born, we were assigned a healthcare nurse to look after the baby’s development and the parents’ well-being. At a certain point, the nurse told my wife, “We are waiting in the system for one more mother, and then you can join the 'mødregruppe' (mothers’ group) with four other mothers.”

The system has to set people up to meet in groups. The nurse further explained that the mothers’ groups are generally utrolig netværkskabende (incredibly good at creating a network). Zooming out, I wonder if the mødregruppe is not the very analogy of the Danish mentality, also in how to socialise and meet people. You will find Danes whose friendships go back 15–20 years to mothers’ groups.

Q: Is the Danish language one of the most essential things to learn when a foreigner wants to be accepted by the Danish community?

A: Danish is essential - it’s about respect, among other things. People immediately think that if you’ve made the effort to learn Danish, you’ll also make the effort in other areas. However, I don’t think it automatically accepts you into the community. It’s often like a membership card, and one rarely has the golden one, so you’ll have to do with the silver or bronze. And here comes a more important element: if you can be trusted in what you do or say. Language will be important, but only after your trustworthiness.

Q: And what about understanding Danish humour?

A: You have a circle of friends or family, and you have your in-jokes - the members are the only ones who share them, understand them, and laugh together. Now, imagine this on a national level, where the whole country works like that. In Denmark, people talk about “the great Danish humour” more as a way of life than as something separate. And it works fine - until internationals join this circle. They often get offended and can’t figure it out.

Q: What is Danish humour like?

A: In Denmark, humour isn’t just entertainment – it’s how people connect. It’s part of how Danes are socialised from childhood to adulthood. Humour here is a mindset – even a life philosophy. It’s not about being funny, but about not taking things too solemnly. From politicians and royalty to religion and social taboos – Danes believe anything can be satirised. Danish comedies often deal with tragic events, and somehow make them hilariously relatable. The darker the theme, the sharper the wit. Irony is everywhere – often subtle, and often the opposite of what’s being said. Making fun of oneself is almost a national sport. It disarms tension and builds connection.

Danes are masters at using humour to talk about grief, pain, and even death, making room for healing through laughter. They laugh with, not at. Jokes are rarely mean-spirited. Even when directed at someone, the goal is shared understanding or empathy, not humiliation. Danish humour doesn’t mean to offend, but to provoke thought. The casual teasing among friends and strangers signals trust and social equality.

Danes don’t mind being laughed at. In fact, it’s part of the charm. They even celebrate failure. Mess up at work? Bring a “fuck-up cake” or a “kvajebajer” – also a way to admit mistake. Danes often mock political correctness, believing it hinders open and honest conversation. Even the Danish police use humour to connect with the public, earning them more trust than any other public institution.

Q: Your book, Danish Culture is an 'Extreme', has the subtitle “Why is it so hard to settle in heaven?” Is that true? How can this book help expats succeed in Danish society?

A: Objectively, internationals live in the best country in the world - and also, objectively, in the hardest place to settle in. And of course, why? It should logically be the easiest place to settle - it’s heaven! But it’s not. My take on this is that it’s precisely because of extreme equality, trust, independence, privacy, and humour that expats have a hard time, which is a paradox, because these are essentially cherished values. And this is what the book does: it explains how to read and understand these “extremes”.

Q: Do you feel you are already sufficiently integrated into Danish society?

A: I don’t know if integration can be measured clearly, but I’m convinced I will live and die in Denmark, which is a good enough sign of being integrated, whatever that might mean.

Q: Does the Danish way of life suit you?

A: I love freedom and autonomy, partly. But at times, I miss spontaneity and colour in Denmark.

Q: Do you feel like Denmark has changed you?

A: Entirely. I have learned here that one can live a life with dignity. So when I leave Denmark, I feel very Danish - and I want to defend Denmark for anything. And, like many Danes, I am discreetly proud of Denmark. In Denmark, however, I am Eastern European, which is one big country where all Eastern Europeans come from. (*he says with a smile)