HOW TO: Succeed as a parent in Denmark.

Photographs: Ilana Buhl

Text: Natália Šepitková

Ilana Buhl grew up in the Bay Area of California until she was nine, after which her family moved to Austin, Texas. She attended Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, then lived in Dallas, Texas, where she worked as a teacher for three years before moving to Copenhagen. She relocated to Denmark to be with her Danish husband. Fortunately, she secured a teaching position at an international school soon after her arrival. That remains her full-time job, but she began creating content on social media for fun during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020 and continues to do so on the side. She is a mum of two, a 4-year-old boy and a 6-month-old girl.

Q: You are currently on maternity leave. How are you feeling? How are you coping with it all?

A: I’m feeling really good! Having two kids is definitely a lot of work, but for us, the transition from one to two was much easier than from zero to one. I feel so content with two kids and feel like I am enjoying this maternity leave more than my first since I’m much less stressed and know what I’m doing now!

Q: A few years ago, a new parental leave law was enacted in Denmark, dividing leave fairly between both parents. Have you taken advantage of this? Did you share your leave with your husband?

A: I used all of the parental leave after we had our first baby, mainly because it made sense to align my leave with the school calendar. I had 16 months of leave (some of that was vacation or unpaid leave), which was amazing. This time, I will have about 11 months of leave (including vacation), and my husband will use all of his earmarked leave. I think the initiative to have fathers take more parental leave is fantastic and important as we work towards true gender equality in Denmark, but I am also a little sad that I won’t have as much time with this baby as I did with my first.

Q: What is life like for a mother on maternity leave in Denmark?

A: Honestly, I think it’s fun! Make no mistake, it is NOT a vacation. Taking care of a baby 24/7 is hard work, especially when you also have another kid (or kids). However, there are numerous services and activities designed for parents on leave that you can bring your baby to, and I think these are enjoyable and a great way to bond with your baby. I also appreciate that we have the option to join mothers’ groups, which offer an additional level of support for new moms.

Q: How do you evaluate it all over time, from pregnancy to childbirth and afterwards? Was it more challenging because you are a foreigner?

A: I was appreciative of the fact that I was able to take leave six weeks before my due date with both pregnancies. If I were in the US, I would have worked up until my due date, or even until I went into labour. It was also amazing that my husband had 2 weeks of paternity leave right after the births, so I wasn’t on my own right away. And of course, I’m incredibly grateful that we get a full year of leave altogether, since that is nearly unheard of in the US. I think navigating the parental leave system can be more challenging as a foreigner, but fortunately, there are resources available to help. For me, the teacher’s union was extremely helpful when I was planning both of my maternity leaves, ensuring that I received everything I was entitled to.

Q: How do you perceive the Danish way of parenting? Do you raise your children in this style?

A: Some of the things that I perceive as key aspects of Danish parenting are prioritising time spent outside and encouraging independence as much as possible. I think both of these are really healthy intentions. I don’t love all of the laundry that goes hand in hand with the outdoor time, but my son is happiest splashing around in puddles, so who am I to stop him? I’m also a big fan of stroller naps for babies. Both of my kids have slept so well out in the fresh air, and it’s so convenient that they can sleep on the go, wherever we are that day.

I am a teacher with a degree in Child Studies, and from that standpoint, I also wholeheartedly agree with the idea that children should be supported in gaining independence and exercising autonomy as much as possible. This can be hard as a parent, because it often requires a lot of patience (like, it’s much faster for me to put my child’s shoes on for him, but it’s not as beneficial for him as putting them on himself). So, my kids are still young, but so far, I feel very aligned with the Danish approach to parenting.

"Compared to the US, I think the Danish system is much more equitable, and that’s so important. A society cannot thrive unless education is accessible to all."

Q: I understand that when you became a parent, you were already living in Denmark, but could you still compare the Danish approach to parenting with the American approach?

A: It appears that Danish kids spend more time outside than American kids, on average. A big part of that is the early childhood philosophy. I believe most American educators would agree that it’s beneficial for children to spend time outdoors. The US education system doesn't prioritise it in the same way the Danish system does, unless it’s an institution specifically oriented that way (like one of the few forest preschools in the US). When I was a teacher in Texas, we had indoor recess almost anytime it rained or if the temperature was below 40 degrees Fahrenheit (4 degrees Celsius) outside, because many kids didn’t have the proper gear to be outside in that weather, unlike Danish kids. I’ve been teaching in Denmark for 6 years and can only remember having indoor recess twice (due to fairly extreme thunderstorms or hail).

I think US educators try to instil independence in young children, just as Danish ones do. However, American parents might not do it as much as Danish parents. As I mentioned, this often requires more patience, and American families are generally a bit more rushed and stressed than their Danish counterparts.

Q: Do you consider the life of a parent in Denmark easier?

A: I think it is easier to be a parent in Denmark than in the US. For one thing, we receive a lot of societal/government support that Americans do not. For example, universal healthcare that covers prenatal care, childbirth, and pediatric care. Paid leave for both parents. Highly subsidised public childcare. Børnepenge, a government stipend that all parents receive, regardless of income.

I also feel that society is more “set up” for families and children here. For example, it’s common to see “family rooms” at shopping malls, where you can feed and change your baby. It’s easy to take public transit with a stroller. There are playgrounds everywhere. The children’s sections at libraries are adorable play areas. And baby cafes! We go to those all the time.

Finally, the safety aspect. I feel Denmark is generally safer than the US, which means that as a parent, I don’t have to worry about my kids as much as I probably would in the US. That is a huge burden that we don’t have to carry here.

Q: How do you rate the Danish school system? Preschool and school institutions?

A: Overall, I think the public schools and institutions are good, although I understand from parents with older kids that there is room for improvement. The biggest issues I have heard about are large class sizes, lack of support for disciplinary issues, and staff shortages. However, there are many positive aspects to the Danish system. Compared to the US, I think the Danish system is much more equitable, and that’s so important. A society cannot thrive unless education is accessible to all. I also think it’s fantastic that there are so many avenues for young people to pursue, such as different types of gymnasium, vocational schools, and efterskole. So, although the system isn’t perfect, I think it sits on a good foundation.

Q: Is Denmark's available and affordable childcare enough?

A: I’m pleased with the childcare we have access to through the Danish system. Of course, it could be cheaper (smile), but I know we would be paying so much more in the US, so I’m not complaining. I know that some areas have limited numbers of institutions and therefore long waitlists, so I would love to see more quality institutions open.

Q: In your opinion, does a mother on maternity leave in Denmark have a better opportunity to return to work and successfully enter the job market with a small child?

A: Compared to the US, yes. Paid maternity leave allows mothers to spend time bonding with and caring for their new babies and return to the workforce when they are (more) ready. In the US, many mums have to make the difficult choice of doing one or the other because they may not get paid maternity leave. FMLA (Family & Medical Leave Act) is the only protected parental leave policy in the US, and it only requires some employers to provide up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave. Many mothers have to return to work before 12 weeks postpartum if they can’t afford that unpaid time off, or quit their jobs if they want to stay home longer. Many mums end up taking several years off work, and it can be challenging to re-enter the job market after such a large gap in employment.

Q: Are you happy and satisfied as a mother in Denmark?

A: I really am. But it is still hard. Even with all of the support we have, it’s really difficult to have two full-time working parents, run a household, and have quality time with your kids (not to mention your partner). But I’m so grateful that I get to do it here, because I know it would be so much harder in the US.

Q: Is your son fluent in English and Danish? Or does he have a language barrier?

A: My son completely understands Danish and English, but speaks much more Danish. It’s definitely his dominant language, and he can be a bit resistant to speaking English. It makes sense because my husband is Danish, and my son attends a Danish børnehave, so he receives much more exposure to Danish than to English. I’m trying to encourage him to speak English more, because I know he’ll learn English either way in Denmark. Still, it’s important to me that he can communicate with my English-speaking family as early as possible.

Q: Do you plan to integrate your children fully into Danish society? Many international parents choose international schools for their children.

A: We plan to keep our kids in Danish schools, but we’re open to revising the plan if it doesn’t work out well for some reason.

Q: Do you see your future as a family in Denmark?

A: We plan to stay in Denmark indefinitely. Never say never, but we are really happy here.